Three Wishes
by Zevus
Summary: Parker is granted three wishes by a genie and, much to the team's dismay, wishes that everybody would switch bodies.


It was a sunny morning, only disturbed by the shrill scream that came from Hardison.

The team had just finished a con that previous night, and they all just crashed at Nate's place, spread out over chairs and sofas.

Hardison jumped off the couch he was laying on, feeling all around his body and repetitively looking at the palms of his hands. "What the hell?"

"What's wrong?" Parker's confused voice could be heard from her spot on the floor.

"Who the hell am I? Oh my god!" Hardison ripped off his shirt, a panicked look in his eye.

"Hardison, we all know you have a six pack. We get it." Sophie said, but suddenly started to stutter. "What the-" And she looked down at her own self. "...I'm a woman? WHAT THE HELL." Her voice sounded very manly.

By now everybody was starting to stir, and Eliot's eyes widened at Hardison. "Wait-" He scuttled up. "Oh my god am I dead? Is that why I'm seeing myself?"

Eliot stopped talking, rising his hand up to flick a piece of hair off his cheek. "Wa? Mayne, my hair ain't never been this long."

By now they could all hear Nate screaming from his room, in what seemed to be a British accent. A bunch of thumps, and then another scream. Finally, a distraught Nate ran into the den, his hair all messed up and his eyes wide. "What the bloody hell? My god!"

Nate staggered into the room, looking around. Now, if this wasn't unusual circumstances, they'd have just thought he was wasted, and would have locked him in the closet, not letting him out until he promised he was sober.

Eliot took a step towards everybody. "Wait guys, is this some joke? Why the fuck do I look like Mr. Guyliner?"

"That was ONE time!" Hardison said angrily, but quickly stopped.

It was then everybody realized that Hardison was in actuality Eliot, and Eliot was Hardison. The room grew silent, and Sophie spoke up. "Okay, my name is Nathan Ford. What is your name?"

"Mayne, why you asking this?" Hardison looked at him like he was crazy.

"Because we're in each other's bodies! I'm Sophie!" Nate screamed.

"Ahahahah. I get it. This is some joke, isn't it?" Eliot said, while in Hardison's body. "You put coal all over me, dress me up in gay clothing, and then pretend you're someone else? Funny. Really funny."

"Except for the fact that YOU'RE SHORTER THAN HARDISON!" Sophie was slamming her head against the desk.

"Hey, watch it. That's my head you're damaging." Nate yelled. Suddenly, he got a confused look on his face, then gave a little grin. "I've always wanted to see you naked."

"Nate! You better not!" Sophie was hurrying towards him, but wasn't used to her new body, and tripped a couple times. Nate was busy staring in his blouse.

Sophie, after eating the ground about a dozen times, didn't bother getting up. She gave a little huff, and attempted to slit her wrists with a rusty nail sticking up from the floorboards.

After a few minutes of Eliot screaming "My beautiful hair, gone!" and Hardison going "Where mai sexy black skin go?", Sophie finally got up and stared at the guys in confusion. "Hm. I wonder what a male orgasm feels like." And with that, she walked into the bathroom and didn't return for another thirty minutes.

When she finally came back she was exclaiming about how wonderful it was and how it was so lovely when she finally felt the "release of the male gender."

"Oh yeah, Nathan, I shaved down there. It was bothering me." Sophie was mindlessly filing her nails down.

"WHAT? That's not manly!" Nate yelled, looking ready to slaughter her.

"And, by the way, you have a small dick." Sophie giggled.

Nate looked furious, but nobody had ever taken Nate seriously, even in Sophie's body. Nate paced around the room, writing a list of all the ways he could kill Sophie, while at the same time preserving his body.

Unlike his brethren, Eliot actually said something intelligent. "Okay, so how the hell did we get into each others' bodies? And how the hell do we get back to our own?"

"Well, we still have our voices." Nate pointed out.

"I did it."

Up until now, nobody had really noticed Parker sitting in the corner of the room. Her legs were crossed, and she was smiling, as if satisfied with herself.

"_Parkah_, what did you do, exactly?" Sophie asked in her annoying accent. Everybody turned to look at the blonde expectantly.

"Well, I was walking on the beach, trying to find a kid's wallet I could steal-"

"Wait, wait, _Parkah_, why were you trying to steal some poor kid's wallet?"

"Let me finish Sophie! You're so annoying sometimes." Parker let out a frustrated huff, staring at her shoes angrily.

"Now, now. Let the girl finish." Hardison said, leaning down to where Parker was sitting. "Don't worry. In the future, every British person will be locked away so they can't hurt nobody no more. Just finish you're story."

"Well I CAN'T now, since she interrupted me. I'm going to have to start at the beginning."

Eliot was about to go get a gun to shoot both Sophie and Parker, but Nate stopped him.

"Okay, so I was walking on the beach, and I saw a genie lamp from that Aladdin, and I'm thinking, how cool is this? I could prolly get a lot of money for this."

"A GENIE lamp?" Sophie exclaimed. "You have to be bloody kidding."

"Shh. LET ME FINISH. God."

"Just get to the damn point then!"

"So I rub the lamp like it says to, just to see if it's legit, and this really ugly genie popped out. It kind of looked like you, Sophie."

"Hey!" Nate and Sophie yelled in sequence.

"The genie said I had three wishes. All of you have been fighting a lot recently, so I wished that you guys could switch bodies to see how the other felt."

"Oh Parker, you didn't." Eliot facepalmed.

"What?" Parker looked around, confused. "It was a good wish."

"Wait." Nate quickly jumped up and down, laughing. "If the genie granted you THREE wishes, and you only made ONE wish, that means you still have two more wishes!"

"Why didn't I think of this?" Sophie was running around the room, obviously pleased at the thought of returning to her own body.

"Er, not exactly." Parker was trying to inch away, but Eliot put his foot down, blocking her only available exit path.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my FIRST wish was for a couple trillion dollars. I mean, it didn't look like I was going to get much money that day."

"And your second wish?"

"No, my second wish was for you guys to change bodies."

"Damnit Parker what was your other wish?" Eliot screamed.

"That my first two wishes are irreversible."

"What, why!" Sophie was crying, along with Nate. "My beautiful dresses. I can never where them again!"

"Wait, was that a bad idea?" Parker looked around the room.

"YES, that was a bad idea! How could it EVER be a good idea?" Eliot had his angry face on, but it didn't really work with Hardison's face.

"Well maybe you can go back to the genie and work something out." Parker seemed a bit irritable. "Nobody even thanked me for my thoughtfulness."

Nate, ignoring her last statement, had a theoretical light bulb appear above his head. "That's a good idea!"

It took them about three hours to find the genie. Parker couldn't remember where exactly she found the genie, and they ended up mindlessly walking on the beach, looking for something they knew they wouldn't find.

At one point a guy came up and started flirting with Nate, thinking he was a girl. Another time they saw a nude Sterling in the water, scarring them for life.

Finally, they reached what Parker thought was the place.

"THERE IT IS THERE IT IS!" Parker was pointing at a piece of plastic sticking out of the sand."

"That looks like some toy you'd get out of a kiddy meal." Eliot looked disgusted as Nate pulled the lamp out from the ground.

"Um. Well, I guess I'll rub it now." Nate just laid it there in his hands for a while, not sure exactly what to do.

"Nate, which one of your many, many issues is causing you to not CHANGE US BACK?"

"Well, it'll look like I'm gay if I just start rubbing it."

"Just do it."

Nate reluctantly rubbed one side of the plastic genie lamp, and sure enough, a genie, that actually resembled Sophie, popped out. "What now?"

"Er, um, well you see, the blonde idiot over there wished we could switch bodies, and now we want to be changed back." Eliot's grumpy voice seemed to startle the genie, but it quickly remained its composure.

"Well well well, coming back for more wishes I see? But, my ignorant little friends, one of your buddie's wishes was to make her wish irreversible. Now, I cannot change you back without breaking that wish, which I simply cannot do."

"I want three wishes then." Nate demanded, slanting his eyes.

"Very well."

"My first wish is that every time Sophie thinks of me, she'll have an orgasm, each one better than the last."

"NATE."

"My second wish is that Sophie can never ever have sex with another guy, except me."

"YOU CONTROLLING BASTARD."

"My third wish is that whenever I'm mad at Sophie, she'll be forced to bring me any whiskey of my choosing."

"Oh my god Nate. I would understand if you wished for Sam to be alive or something, but you just blew our only THREE WISHES!" Hardison looked about ready to kill him.

The genie snapped its fingers. "Very well. I must leave now." It turned to go back into its lamp, but Sophie was steamed.

Sophie tackled the Sophie-genie, and, using an ax, started hacking at its body. "I'll split it open and steal its magic!"

The team looked scared, and while Sophie was busy digging in the genie corpse for its "magic," they hurried away, trying to get away from her and her ax.

A few days later the crew was sitting around Nate's place, still trying to come up with a way to change back to normal. Sophie was locked in the bathroom, and Nate was 68% sure she was mutilating his body in some way.

"There's no way." Nate stood up. "We've tried everything. Even Eliot's idea that having sex with the person will make you change bodies."

"DON'T REMIND ME!" Hardison sinked lower into the chair he was sitting in, a horrified expression on his face.

Eliot wanted to watch TV, but when he turned on the television a weirdass news report started blaring. He tried to change the channel, but it didn't work. "DAMNIT HARDISON! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THE DAMN BATTERY!"

"Geez. I can change it now. Hold on."

Everybody stopped moving when a news reporter started to talk.

"And it is now official, Alice White is the richest person to ever live on earth."

"Fuck Parker."


End file.
